there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
