I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
