I hate your face
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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