We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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