i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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