i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize