her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
