I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
