My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
