I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
