Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
