I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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