Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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