I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
