I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude i'm inner monologue high
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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