Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i now understand why vodka
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
