I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
