I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
