nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
