It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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