4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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