thus making me awesome and them whores
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
