I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
