so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize