I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
