hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
