Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
