Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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