When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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