Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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