my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
