i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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