so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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