We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize