I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize