Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
How does it feel to date your dad?
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