I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
