You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Girls should come with a carfax report
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
