Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Nicole vs. Life
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
