Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
