Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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