If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
