when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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