in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
