just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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