she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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