First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
