She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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