You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
