meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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