It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
