I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
