I need to stop coming to work sober
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
