What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
