My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
