i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
