This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
this beer tastes like vomit already
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
