True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
